Wisdom from a Past Life

Next month, I will be making my 9th move in 7 years. (Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, that works out to moving more than once a year. Trust me, I know it's insanity.) Since this move also includes the anticipation of blending households as a result of the upcoming nuptials (and because I kinda made a big deal over Love of My Life unloading some of his... well... stuff... before moving in), I busted out the boxes that I've moved four times without as much as peeking inside of them. It's time to let go of some things.

It's been an oddly amusing trek down memory lane. I've found textbooks that I should've sold back when I could still get some money for them (Why did I ever think I should hold on to the History of Education text?!), articles that I used for research during my undergrad (Anything you want to know about Gifted Education, IDEA '97, or the value of homework, circa 2003, I've got you covered.), notes from class (complete with funny side conversations... And I'm finding these terribly difficult to unload!), papers I wrote (Dang! I was smart once upon a time!), and tons and tons and tons of lesson plans, unit plans, and teaching resources (for which I would like to find a good home.)

I've also found my journals, poetry, and writing folders. From about 1995 forward. If you do the math, you'll realize that's snippets of what was going on in my brain for more than half of my life. I've always been a writer, and I've always written with a very irregular ebb and flow. There are journal entries that are once (and sometimes, twice) a day for weeks on end and then nothing for months. There are pieces of stories, lines of poetry, words I liked, descriptions, and scribbled notes about how frustrated I was with the process of writing.

Tucked in a folder with some character sketches and plot outlines, I found this. It's not dated, but everything else in the folder is from about my junior/senior years of high school. I know I didn't write it, originally, -- it doesn't sound like me. A quick Google search revealed that it is, in fact, very popular, though I didn't nail down a source. Reading it now -- 10ish years later -- knowing what I know, being where I've been, seeing what I've seen -- it makes me smile. The manifesto of a generation? Perhaps. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it down.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be, possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, long lost friend, lover or even a complete stranger, but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful and unfair at first, but in reflection, you find that, without overcoming those obstacles, you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limist of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create woh you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because, in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people that you have never talked to before and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

Most importantly, if you love someone, tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store.

And learn a lesson in each day that you live.

(More journal adventures to come, I'm sure.)

When Professional Development gets Personal

I'm spending the week at Notre Dame, attending the Young Adult Ministry Symposium, "Stewards of the Treasures of our Faith." It's a gathering of campus ministers, vocation directors, and others who work in young adult ministry, discussing how to connect young adults to liturgy, prayer, vocation and service. I can't even remember how I first came to know about it -- it was sometime after LA Congress -- but I remember thinking, This is what Lalanne is about.

So why am I passionate about young adult ministry? Because I'm a young adult. Because it makes me sad that I worked so hard to come into the Catholic Church -- I'm Catholic and I love being Catholic -- yet sometimes I wonder if there is a place in this Church for me. I've been fortunate to, more or less, find ways to feed my soul. It's not perfect, and I often find myself hungering for more, but... I'm still being nourished. What if, though, I hadn't been so determined in my faith? Then what? I have certainly had the experience of feeling unwanted, unimportant, unwelcome...what if that had been my only experience?

Sometimes I wonder why I bothered to become Catholic. The scandal and the hurt within the Church is sometimes so overwhelming that I think, This? I went through all of that for this? Clearly, the Church is challenged and broken. It's a confusing, heartbreaking, unfathomable time. I struggle to make sense of the terrible, criminal things that have transpired, while still clinging to faith that God is in here somewhere. God must be. But where?

I came to Notre Dame thinking I'd learn a few things about bridging from campus ministry to parish ministry, and how to help other young adults make that transition. I thought I'd get some pointers on connecting to liturgy and prayer, which would help me in developing the faith sharing and prayer resources that I share with the teachers. I thought I'd be able to network with other people committed to working with young adults. What I didn't expect is to have my own journey, my own young adult faith, my own struggles with the Church, my own experience with the sacred challenged and affirmed, my questions asked and answered.

I hope to be able to share more as I reflect and process the images and challenges that have been shared, but something from tonight's "spiritual renewal" seems to summarily gather some of my thoughts.

There are cracks in everything. That's how the light gets through.

There are, indeed, cracks in everything. Even in the Church. Let the Light shine.

The Misadventures of Being Me

Coming to you live from the University of Notre Dame, where I am attending Stewards of the Faith, a young adult ministry symposium. There are about 250 people here from across the US and Canada, mostly campus ministers and Vocation directors. I'd only met a handful of these people prior to today.

At dinner, some women invited me to join them at their table -- a Maryknoll sister, two School Sisters of Notre Dame, and another, whose order I never did hear -- all Vocation Directors. (NO. None of them asked me if I ever considered becoming a sister. Women know to look for rings.) A few minutes into the conversation, one of the sisters told me I looked familiar, but she couldn't figure out where she would've met me.

"Actually, I get that a lot," I explain. "I think I must just have a familiar face."

"Nooo..." she responds. "I'm sure I've met you before."

We exchange the names of various conferences, workshops, parishes -- any place we might've both been. Unable to make the connection, the conversation moves to other topics.

Several minutes later, she exclaims, "I know! You were at NCYC!"

I had, indeed, been at NCYC, and I won a prize from the School Sisters of Notre Dame booth. From there, we realized that she lives with another SSND whom I know. But how on earth could she remember me out of 22,000 people?

"You were the one with the neck brace."

Awesome.

One Week Later...

One week after starting the "project," this is what I have learned: I am undisciplined.

Seriously. When I started, I thought, "How hard can it be to take ONE picture a day?" But, having been committed to this for a week, I've realized that I generally find myself thinking, "Crap! I need to take a picture!" at about 10 pm. And so the pictures are bad and boring, and I'm unimpressed, uninspired and kind of embarrassed.

It's not that I haven't had opportunities to take pictures, either. On Day 3, where no picture exists, we had a great day -- We celebrated my birthday with the McEntees, visited the Schroeder familia, and dined at the Backstage. I could've taken pictures of nephews, new baby Schroeder or familia de Nacho. On Tuesday, I had birthday dinner with my sister. I fully intended to snap a picture to document the celebration of our 29th and 26th years. But I was too busy being present in the moment. And that's... not a bad thing. As a very wise woman would say, I'm taking pictures with my heart.

That's the new challenge: Balance. Balancing the discipline and commitment to pay attention to what is around me, to be disciplined enough to follow through, and to not be so concerned about capturing the moment that I miss the moment entirely. And that's not just a lesson in photography.

Project 365

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Originally uploaded by ADelamer03

Today is my 29th birthday. I know several of my friends have expressed consternation at turning 29, but it doesn't bother me. I figure 29 is the age everyone wants to go back to, so there must be something pretty good about it. And I have a few things planned this year that should make it memorable, to say the least.

Enter my new project. Inspired by the creative and wonderful Nicole, who can be found at www.threebysea.com, I am starting Project 365 -- A picture a day for an entire year. I have many things that I hope will come out of this project -- I hope to be more aware of my surroundings, I hope to be more inspired to write, I hope to find the discipline to do both of those things and blah blah blah. More than anything I think it will be cool to look back and see how the year unfolds. Sometimes I'll blog about the picture. Sometimes I won't. Follow along. Yell at me if you don't see something new. Sit back and enjoy the ride. I intend to.

Oh, and go visit Nicole at Three By Sea. And buy something! She's trying to make a living so she can stay home with her kid, people!

Why, hello there, 29. I hope you're all that I've wished for...

Advent Fail; Lenten Hope

Yes, friends, I know that Advent (and Christmas!) are both over, and Lent has yet to begin. We are, as the liturgically-minded well know, pretty much smack in the middle of the first Ordinary Time. Actually, this post is most fitting during this season, as Ordinary Time is a season of growth and hope of life in Christ.

Advent Fail.
Advent is a time of preparation and joyful anticipation. It is the season when we, as a Church, remember Israel's waiting and longing for a Messiah, just as we wait in joyful anticipation of the coming of Christ at the end of time. We hear in the readings that we are to be ready for redemption is at hand. We light the candles on the Advent wreath as a reminder that the Light of the World has overcome the darkness.

I was ready for redemption. End of suffering? Bring it! Stepping out of the darkness and into the light? I've got my sunscreen ready!

But Christmas came. And Christmas went. While it was happy, certainly, it was not the joyful celebration I had hoped it would be. The baby Jesus had been placed in the manger, but the joy of the Lord was not placed in my heart. The pain, suffering and sadness remained.

It wasn't until after the Advent wreath was put away, and the Christmas tree and creche packed up for another year that I realized what had gone so terribly wrong.

Christ did not fail to come. I did.

I was not preparing for Christ to come. I was preparing for my suffering to end. I was not joyfully anticipating the arrival of my Savior. I was joyfully anticipating the arrival of relief from pain and sadness, and even that anticipation was not so joyful, but nearly demanded. I was so preoccupied with my own condition, so caught up in the hurt that I was feeling, so engulfed in my own self that I nearly missed it.

Christ did not fail to appear. Surely, Christ is present in the world, during Advent, Christmas, and now.

I failed to recognize Christ's presence.

I was so preoccupied with the love I wanted, but didn't have, that I failed to recognize the love being poured over me. Christ is present in that love.

I was so concerned with the lack of peace in my family that I failed to recognize the peacefulness of the snow-blanketed earth and sleeping babies. Christ is present in that peace.

I was so longing for joy on my terms that I failed to recognize the joy of dinner with old friends, and of a child's awe-filled wonder at Christmas. Christ is present in that joy.

Christ is present in the world. Like the Magi, we must seek Him.

Today I had coffee with two wonderful, faith-filled women. At one point our conversation turned to the suffering in the world, suffering far greater than my pain in the neck and unrest in my family: The earthquake in Haiti. The loss of a child. The death of a grandparent. The suicide of a college student. Our discussion did not linger on the senselessness or intensity of these sufferings. Rather, it was a proclamation of gratitude for the gift of faith during times of suffering.

Suffering is senseless, she said, until you connect it to the Cross. It is by our faith, she noted, that we have hope despite our suffering. Even when we are experiencing Good Friday, we are promised Easter Sunday.

In three weeks, we will fill our parishes, receive our ashes, and go out into the world with the words, "Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel" echoing in our ears. We will enter, with the Catechumenate, into the period of Purification and Englightenment. I'm actually looking forward to Lent this year. I hope to be purified and enlightened. I hope I can learn how to be graceful in suffering, because suffering is so often grace-filled, when we can see Christ present.

In the meantime, in Ordinary Time, I pray that I come to more fully recognize the love, peace, joy and hope of Christ present in the world.

When the Path is Deceptive...

You've all seen these road signs. The yellow ones with the curving arrow, accompanied by a speed limit to warn drivers to slow down before taking the exit ramp from the interstate. Perhaps you have had the experience, as I have, of thinking, "Enh. It doesn't look that bad. I can take this faster than 25 mph." And then, as you attempt the curve at 40 mph, you find yourself struggling for control. (Okay, maybe that's just my driving...)

That's kind of how life has been lately. I knew some things were coming, and it wasn't until I found myself careening into said circumstances that I realized just how difficult it was going to be. I'm still struggling to regain balance. As I read somewhere recently, I'm better than I was, but not quite so good as I was before I got worse.

It's been interesting to be in such a place during the season of Advent. Okay, really, it's been annoying at times... All this talk of waiting in anticipation, and redemption being at hand, and you suffer now, but the promise is coming. I really just want to say, "Enough already! Let's get on with the redemption!" But when the impatience subsides, it is good to be reminded that this is only temporary. We are promised Christ, the Messiah, and He has overcome the world! And this is what Advent is about... waiting, preparing, anticipating...

O Key of David and Scepter of the House of Israel; you open and no man closes; you close and no man opens. Come, and deliver from the chains of prison those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death.