As part of my Lenten promise this year, I decided to spend time each day in prayer. Yeah, that's not so original, nor special (though I could do with a little more consistency in my prayer life...). Last year, I spent Lent getting comfortable with silence. Our world is a noisy one and being alone with my thoughts can be, well... scary. This year I wanted to be more aware of God in my everyday stuff, more accutely intuned to the whispers of God in my heart. I can't even really explain what it is that I'm hoping will be the result, but I spend time each day in prayer with my sketchbook. I really love art and I'd like to be better at it. There's something tremendously attractive to me about art as prayer -- I've even bought books on it. But I hesitate to actually do it. And I hesitated to share this part of my Lenten practice.
Because I'm afraid I don't "do it right." I'm get so caught up in my lack of ability that I paralyze myself from even trying it.
A few years ago, I got a book called "Wreck This Journal" for Christmas. The whole concept is "To create is to destroy." Basically, the creative process is messy. (Check out Keri Smith's other books and fun ideas at www.kerismith.com) Conceptually, I loved it. I asked for the book and I was so excited to get it. But I've never done anything with it, because I was afraid it wouldn't be good enough. I WAS AFRAID I WOULDN'T DESTROY SOMETHING CORRECTLY!
Who thinks that?!
Obviously, however I wreck the journal will be fine. I was so caught up in my own expectations that I failed to enjoy the process. I failed to even start the process. (The truly ironic part? I've spent years telling people to just start writing. Don't get caught up composing the perfect text; put something on the paper, so you can figure out what needs improved and work with it.Physician, heal thyself...)
I recognize, though, that there is a lesson in all of this. I can't quite articulate it just yet. "God doesn't ask us to be successful, just faithful"works here, but I think there's more to it than that. Something along the lines of how my own expectations can prevent me from seeing God or cooperating with God's grace. It sparks in my heart a longing for a deeper meaning, a better understanding, a greater turning of my imperfect art-prayer-self to my God who creates everything anew, even as I delight in the process of creating.
Only a few days into Lent, the process has already brought about some surprising results, including the previous post. (And who knew you could get drawing lessons by iMessage?) I'm not sure where this will take me, but I'm looking forward to the process.
Lent is a season of purification and enlightenment. Sometimes, that isn't perfect and it gets messy. And that's ok.
(As always, the views expressed here are mine alone and do not necessarily reflect those of my employer.)
